Have you ever been a victim of gaslighting? What happened?

It took over a decade for me to stop assuming I needed to just get over it when someone treated me badly. During that time I had some unpleasant and some downright scary incidents, mostly during the college years, where I didn’t speak up because I thought others’ unacceptable behavior was something I was unable to recognize as normal.

Eventually, I just stopped standing up for myself. Basically, anyone could say any horrible thing to me, and if it upset me, I assumed this was yet another example of me, the drama queen, thinking everything is about me and my feelings. I was too sensitive and self-centered to tell the difference between friendly ribbing and meanness.

But I have to wonder, what do I really know about anything?

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Now my kids are around that age. I try to be supportive and share some wisdom. Hopefully their adolescence will be less painful than mine.

Freshman year of high school I fell in with two girls, let’s call them Lizzie and Jennifer. I was very shy and introverted. Before high school most of my time was spent alone, and mostly I liked it that way. But the high school environment heavily discourages this. “Loners” are weirdos. So when these two girls welcomed me into their group, I accepted.

Then they would make plans together or with other people and specifically exclude me. When I was hurt by it, they would play it off as no big deal. It was “spontaneous” and why was I so “needy” that they had to include me in everything they did?

Why am I so afraid that gun owners have set traps to kill me outside my house or my car?

He liked that I was smart. He thought I was interesting and funny. He told Jennifer off for saying something mean about me. He responded to Lizzie’s “jokes” with his own - and unfortunately for her, he had a much more biting wit. He kept asking me, “Why are you friends with those girls? They’re really bitchy.”

Looking back as an adult, I suspect my appeal to them - not rejects, but never part of the in crowd - was that I was a nobody with bad skin and 40 extra pounds. They felt like pageant queens next to me.

Did I get anything from hanging around them? No, not really.

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The problems started during freshman year. I was in honors classes, earning straight As. I had also started working in the kitchen of a local restaurant, which meant not only did I have plenty of spending money, but I wasn’t sitting around eating junk food anymore. I began to lose weight and what acne I didn’t clear up was covered by makeup. Suddenly, I was a petite, cute smart girl standing next to totally average Lizzie and Jennifer.

First it was mean comments about me. I wore ugly clothes, said something stupid, was horribly uncool. I’d tell them that was a jerky thing to say, and they’d both act like I had way overracted. It was a joke. This was just how friends talk to each other; I wouldn’t know that because I never had friends before - and my whiny attitude might be why.

I don’t know if that’s humility or my own psychological scars.

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The major turning point was the summer before senior year. That was when Lizzie got her first boyfriend, making Jennifer seethe with jealousy. In the middle of their power struggle, I was set up with a friend of Lizzie’s boyfriend. And while he really liked me, he was much less impressed by Lizzie and Jennifer.

I haven’t seen Jennifer since the summer after graduation.

The Aftermath

I listened to Kamala Harris speech she gave in North Carolina. I support 100% of what she said. I am more and more in favor of a Kamala Harris presidency if Biden becomes unable to be our president! Do you find yourself supporting Kamala Harris now?

Was it that I had no other options? No, my honors classmates would welcome me anytime. And my new boyfriend was loads more fun.

Through sophomore and junior years, because I spent so much time in honors classes and they didn’t, I got to spend quite a bit of time with another group. And they didn’t seem to make mean jokes about their friends like Lizzie did. They didn’t lie to their friends and talk about them behind their backs like Jennifer. I felt good about myself when I was with them. I started to lose patience with Lizzie and Jennifer.

The boyfriend with the sharp tongue is now my husband and still snarky. I am regularly on the receiving end and handle it like a champ. Every once in a while, he hits a nerve and I tell him, “That’s kind of mean.” I get a sincere apology and he stays clear of that topic. But that took a couple decades of building trust.

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How It Ended

And I began asking myself, why was I friends with bitches?

So I spent more and more time with those other people. Eventually Lizzie and Jennifer were just people I knew casually. We only hung out when we happened to be at the same place at the same time.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

At one point Lizzie actually did apologize to me. Not a great one, but what can you expect from a teenage mean girl? (If Regina George was less popular and less hot, I would swear the character was based on Lizzie.) I managed to say, “Thanks,” and ended the conversation. It was much too fresh for me to even consider rekindling any kind of relationship with her. Have only seen her once or twice in the last 20 years despite living less than 10 miles apart.

If I showed up feeling like I really pulled together a cute outfit or got my hair just right - and OMG that cute boy is checking me out! - they would exchange a look and pityingly inform me I shouldn’t be trusted to pick out my own style. He was looking because I look kind of ridiculous and slutty, like I’m desperate for attention. But why was I upset? They were just trying to help me - because that’s what friends do. Why was I always so sensitive?

Did I like them? No, not really.

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What It Looked Like